He's got this, all this, all the time

One of the not so wonderful souvenirs that I returned to the States from Austria with was a torn ACL in my left knee. I was spending some quality time on a trampoline in the Alps near Salzburg, Austria and well... I guess they say you should always watch the landing.  I knew something was wrong with my knee almost immediately, but I wasn't sure if it was permanent or just something that I needed to "walk off." So, I wandered around Innsbruck for another 4 days before heading up to Munich for some more wandering.  Then, I got on a plane with all of my luggage and lived in the States for a week before I decided I had better just get that checked out to be sure.
 

With my mom recently having both knees replaced, my family has an orthopedic guy sort of on call.  The news of a complete tear hit hard, mostly because I knew that I would have to get it fixed and the uncertainty of that was pretty overwhelming.  Then came grief... over the fact that, even with surgery, my knee would never probably be 100% again. There was some "I'm getting old" talk in there and finally, I came to accept this as a new adventure - one called ACL surgery and recovery.  I guess that every exit is an entrance somewhere else, right?  I'm really trying to see opportunity in this, instead of another several weeks off of work, followed by some pretty intense physical therapy.
 

At this point, I can walk pretty easily with my knee.  It's in the plan to bike after I hit "post" here. Stairs are not super fun, basically because my left knee just feels really unstable when I put any sort of weight on it or try to balance on it. I do some range of motion exercises daily just to keep things loose and my other ligaments from getting tight or weak.  Probably the most painful thing that has happened to me was the instinctive reaction to stepping in gum with my left foot... twisting and grinding it into the pavement (twisting that mainly comes from the knee!) to get the gum off. Yowsers!  Did that smart, or what?!

Surgery is scheduled for June 28th. It won't take long - maybe 1.5 hours - and then the fun begins. Things on my downtime list: Reading, writing, helping at Riverside however I can, crafting, playing Scrabble with my mom, moving from one apartment to another (i know, right?), hopefully writing some more. 
 

I didn't want to spend my summer in a brace, being driven to and from rehab appointments.  I didn't want to meet my insurance deductible this year. I didn't want to give up things like slacklining, roofball, ultimate frisbee, or biking this summer. I didn't want to lose my God-given ACL to one He gave someone else.  BUT. I'm grateful for family and friends who are going to pitch in and help.  I'm thankful that I had health insurance so that I'm not footing the whole bill. I'm fortunate to be able explore other interests while I'm recouping toward those activities again. And I'm really glad that God has given wisdom to doctors and others to be able to reconstruct my knee.  He is good and He's got this, all this, all the time.

Liking the Now

Sometimes swallowing what God has for me is difficult, I'll admit it. I've been attempting to find the path for the past few years and making decisions at a series of doors. Each door points me in a different direction, with a new set of challenges and opportunities. I've applied to programs and been denied. I've accepted job offers and now, quit those jobs. I've taken the Graduate Record Exam and applied to school in Scotland. I've said "yes" to programming at Riverside. Doors open and close.

Scotland liked me, offered me an unconditional spot this fall and now, another detour hits. I couldn't keep enough balls in the air to get the visa and funding I needed in time so I've deferred my entry for one year. I am trying to swallow this new challenge and look at it as a blessing, or at least a learning experience. I am attempting to "like the now" I find myself in. And I must admit, it's getting easier as I look at the friends and family whose lives I get to be a part of in this coming year. I know that I will not always be around. I'm enjoying the new friendships that have come from camp and also the ability I'll have to maintain older ones from college and even high school. I miss Austria more than ever. I miss hearing German on every corner. I'm trying to give everything over to the Lord. It's a hard, yet wonderful now.

Yes, I'm liking the now...

Snow-roof-ball.

Roof ball in the winter is a whole new ball game! I won't say that it's even more fun that the other variations because summer barefoot roof ball and rain roof ball is super fun, but winter definitely brings some new challenges. The snow on the roof for instance... it makes the ball resemble a Plink-o chip and sometimes it gets stuck. Cody had to boost me up on the roof to rearrange the snow and retrieve the ball several times. That was only after we threw our hands numb with snow balls trying to dislodge the ball from its hole. The snow on the ground also poses a problem... It's a foot deep in spots, but also packed into large piles in others. It made for jumping, climbing, and flying in pursuit of the next play. Let's just say that at the end of the game [i won!], we were soaked to the core, laughed-out and dog-tired.

It was a beautiful day. I also knocked myself out for about an hour in the snowbank today. That sun, it was just gorgeous and warm! I couldn't help but smile as I napped in its rays. The birds chatting, the ice melting, the icicles dropping off the roof and crashing me awake. There is hope of even more warmth out there... someday. It's been a good sabbath... and back to work tomorrow.

perspective.

I've been noticing something these last several commutes to and from work. As I drive in, the sun is fresh & the light is new. It is at my back. The colors seem muted & almost groggy as the sun climbs. The fields are quiet... somehow. And, well, when I'm coming back, the sun is tired & wasted. It is at my back. It's as if it has worked all day making things beautiful & full of life. The trees lining the Custer fields are worn and drooping, but in the most elegant way, as if calling young dreamers to come and sit.

And then, I think: how much of this interpretation of the day & sun is clouded - nay, affected by my own perspective and feeling of groggy-worn-out-ness? It is so "in the moment." The truth is that the sun is always beaming brightly somewhere... & the trees and fields, well, the could be somewhat tired because of the sun, but couldn't it also be me projecting my own weariness? At best, it is my interpretation from inside of the timezones instead of on the sun's surface. And how often do I tell God which shot to make when I'm stuck near the side behind the 2-ball, projecting my own predicament onto the rest of the table?

Yes, these thoughts come to me as I drive. Mostly though, I am floored at the beauty & color of God's creation... the yellowing fields, reddening trees & bizarrely this year, greening grass! I saw Custer-hill alive with color against the soft blue sky and purpling clouds & my word, I must sing at this!!! & not some sappy hip-gyrating love song, but something bigger and just as alive, with feeling & praise to the One who did it all.

Summer nights, do not leave!

In these last two mornings, there has been a chill in the air as my alarm went off. It is likely that the mountains above Innsbruck would be snow-capped after a night like last night. I have not gotten to wear shorts as much as I would have liked to this year. As summer leaves again, I get a little down. There was so much hope of delightful summer days, and it is not that these days did not occur. It is that they did occur and now, they cannot anymore. Or they will not anymore. I believe that is what saddens me -- the farewell to summer days and nights.

Today was an incredibly boring day at work! I spent 6 of the 8 hours trying to look busy. I did learn that to gawk means to stare at something stupidly. I gawked at the amount of time I wasted today at Sentry.

My evening has been spent shopping with Ann and then hanging out at EmyJs with Stephanie and Ann. I'm discovering what it is like to have friends who are my age and live in my town. It is a blessing for sure.

Look forward to pictures of my newest purchases... maybe later tonight.