A Reverie

Forests draped in snow remind me of an enchanted forest… One where it is never too dark to explore. It is full of Christmas trees and new places not on any map. It is on a hill, this forest, a foot hill, of the mighty Bettelwurf – a giant just east of Innsbruck . There are deer tracks marking the primitive path up toward the clearing over the ridge. The snow is often knee deep up there even if it is dry in town. My guide knows all of the ways and doesn’t get lost – at least most of the time. But being lost in this magical forest is really a blessing. This forest is enchanted.

The spell that this forest casts is to forget. There is no time in this forest. No deadlines, financial worries, responsibilities, stress or troublesome thoughts cloud the air here. They are not allowed in this forest. These are driven out be the peace that comes from the Creator of this special sanctuary. There is another forest, just off of Rosnerweg, but the effect is much less calming. There are people in that forest, but in this forest, our forest, it is me, my guide and calm. It is very easy to forget here.

The crisp air in this forest greets my nostrils and wakes up my lungs. The invitation to this place is always anticipated by my soul if not by my weary body. It is an invitation to forget my age and fly down the root-laden path on a bicycle or sing a song at the top of my lungs to the birds. Come to forget, this forest says, not forever, just while I have you. This place is not an ultimate escape from life’s issues, but a temporary forgetting so that I might actually remember who I really am for the Creator of all this created me as well.

There is a saying printed on the cross at the top of the Thaur Zunterkopf that states: There are many ways to God, and one of them is over the mountains. There is one way to God, that is through faith in Jesus… but there may be many ways that God uses to stir my soul to believe this Truth… I may not find God in an empty dank church, riddled with religious artifacts. I may find Him in my enchanted forest calling me to retreat.

oh medical release forms.

This weekend we found our way to Fridley, MN for the 2nd quiz trip of the year. It was my first trip fully in charge, toting the medical release forms for my 9 quizzers. As I packed my bag for the trip, I thought to myself, I'd really like to bring this delicious book [My Name is Asher Lev], but will I really ever have time to read it? I remembered this book, sitting on my bed, as I sat in the emergency room clutching a medical form that I didn't ever want to need.

The quiz morning started out normal enough - except that we were early to the quiz for the first time in history. I registered and found my other Wisconsin coach friends and quiz masters. The morning was full of grueling quizzing. These MN teams are just good! And then, just after lunch, the trajectory of my trip altered drastically as Scott said that Josh had been injured. My focus was no longer on quizzing or the after-party, but on Josh.

I found him in a heap at the bottom of the staircase with Ryan, Danny and Scott hovering about him. His right arm was bent in the wrong places and swelling up fast. Thankfully, Judy and Gary arrived moments later and had more sanity to direct the situation. Plans were made to get Josh to help and keep an eye on the eight others that were roaming around.

Check in. Triage. What's your date of birth? Where are you hurt [duh!]? Please wait. Gee, can we get this guy something for the pain? Are you his mother? [holy cow, do i look that old?!] He'll see the doctor now? What happened? Where are you hurt [double duh!]? I'll be right back. jokes lighten the mood. What am I going to do? Wait. Drugs. Call to cancel. Call to reinstate. Call to update. Wait.

Why didn't I bring Asher to get my mind off of this? Wait. I'm so glad you are here Judy. X-rays. Timetable? Wait. You are doing great Josh. more paperwork. Sign here. Do you consent? Quizzing? Oh yeah, we came to quiz. Wait. Wait alone now.

Where is Asher? Who can I call? Wait. Josh is awake again, after reduction. Joy. Surgery may come, but the pain is lessened. We'll get your prescription. Wait, but not alone. Listen. Take notes on care. Elevate. Ice. Get the swelling down. Move your sausage-y fingers. Got the prescription. Good. Gone.

We reunited with the team and got on our way much later than expected. Thankfully, God kept us safe and awake through the drive. I am amazed at how much God gives... even when I forget to ask. We are home safe and Josh is with his family. Oh, I am thankful. so thankful. I am thankful that God is in control and gives strength for all things. I'm thankful for Judy, Gary and the Heitzmans. I'm thankful to be able to type and write and have the capacity to play a trumpet [though not the skill]. I'm thankful for doctors and mothers. I am especially thankful for morphine [not for me!]. Some bright spots: I am one of very few who now knows Josh's middle name and who has seen inside his stomach [via ultrasound]. Yes, we have bonded over a broken arm.

Be well Josh.

Birthdays Birthdays

There have been lots of great memories of this day and celebrations of this day – the day God brought me into this world. And as each one comes and goes and I reflect on them, I become more and more thankful for God’s good provision for me… of family and friends from so many cultures and stages of life. I am truly thankful for all of you.

Some birthday memories:

1991 – The overnight blizzard on Halloween and none of my sleepover guests had boots. I have clear images still in my mind of my daddy carrying my tennis-shoed friends to our station wagon to bring them home after the party.

1993 – What? I’m getting a brother? Yes, I got a really cool bday present exactly TWO weeks after my day.

1994 – My daddy took me to Chicago [we flew from Bemidji , MN ] for a long weekend.

1999 – Sweet 16 – first boy-girl party. Sixteen Candles was my favorite song for weeks.

2003 – First birthday away from home. My cousin KayLynn brought me a huge cake and balloons at NWC and my parents sent me flowers.

2004 – I heard my name over the loud speaker at Sentry Insurance to call security [dream fulfilled] and they wished me a happy birthday. The next day, I forgot my security badge and when I called them to let me in, they were convinced I had forgotten it because I was out carousing on my 21^st birthday.

2006 – My au-pair family threw me a fancy 4-course dinner party. It was my first birthday party where one of the only things I understood was when they sang me Happy Birthday in English. The cards and emails I received from the States were completely overwhelming!

2007 – I organized a photo scavenger hunt in the old city section of Innsbruck for my Austrian friends. The memories made there were so sweet! On the night of my birthday, I attended my first Austrian Ball. I thought I was dreaming.

2008 – Well, I had an “un-birthday” celebration at Riverside this summer when Maria took my joke about July 23 being my birthday seriously. We had “un-birthday cookies” and they sang me “Happy un-birthday.”

On my real birthday this year, I just turned a ¼ century. That’s kind of monumental. Mama bought me a gigantic warm cookie and milk to dunk it in for lunch [dessert.] And the State of WI and the city of Stevens Point decided to unveil one of the most critical exit ramps in the city along I-39 just for the special day. I do feel appreciated.

blank.

I have not blogged in a little while. It’s definitely not that nothing note-worthy has happened or that I have not had time to record it. It is simply that my blog has been blank or that my mind has been blocked [or lazy] to write. Well, it ends right here, right now!

You heard about my lovely weekend across the border [in MN], but you’ve missed out on the adventures south of here last weekend. The Plover quiz team trekked down to the bluffs of Prairie du Chien for the first quiz meet of the 08-09 year. Our Luke-filled brains, piled out of the large Mennigan van after 4+ hours of driving. It was my first time coaching and for all of the arm-chair coaching I’d done in the past, I discovered that I was woefully lacking any ability. There are things like momentum, timeouts, scoring and encouragement [not to mention team dynamics and mediatorship!!] to be considered. Yikes. Well, we made it through with minor injury. Literally. Danny whacked his head on a pole during the lunch game of 500, but he was okay and his quizzing even improved! My team is a superstitious one… Things like, I always do well in this chair/side/shirt or maybe I’ll do better without my hat are often thrown about the room. On the way home, we experienced Wisconsin ’s largest corn maze, located in Lodi . It was… cold. Some of us forgot to bring warm clothes and others of us forgot that muddy shoes shouldn’t be put on van seats. We laughed a lot.

Another bit of blankness that broods beneath my surface is this seemingly insurmountable task of contacting people for support raising as I return to Austria . My skills at procrastination and rationalizing said procrastination are truly astounding – something to be praised if they weren’t so stinkin’ wrong! And still again, God’s grace opens my eyes to see His fingerprints on my life and this process. He comes at the just-right moments to give strength and relief and motivation… How motivating the gospel has been for me in these moments! My heart for Austria grows with each thought of the dark hopelessness that exists there now contrasted with the bright hope the gospel brings! I am truly amazed that God would ask me to be apart of this spreading of this burning hope. So, pray for me as I contact and get others onboard with this great work!

a few of my dear friends.

Kristin - you are brave and counselor-like ;o)

Mandy - you are diligently relational. And well, cuter than you are big ;o)

Jack - you are committed to my meeting your high expectations for me. :o)

and Peggy [we didn't get a pic!] - you are amazingly great at cribbage!!

Maybe not tomorrow.

I was able to spend the weekend with dear friends from college this past weekend. We caught up and laughed and played cribbage and fought and prayed. And something struck me as all of this was happening: I began to see again how faithful God is to act in our lives.

Prayers that we've prayed for ourselves and others are being answered in power by God. People are coming into relationship with Him. Ministries are growing and churches are reaching out into the world. God's Word is going forth into the valleys of western Austria, spoken from courageous men and women there. I am incredibly encouraged.

Yet also, families are falling apart, boyfriends are confusing and non-responsive, parties are awkward and make us feel like freaks. We oversleep through church. Life keeps coming at us in discouraging ways. Our weaknesses keep visiting us.

And for me, it's easy to focus on the discouragements more than the encouragements, making my faith in my Faithful God dwindle. Add to that the fact that movies portray months and years of life within 1.5 short hours. I see pain and then relief come almost instantaneously, assuring me that my "real-time" life must be failing miserably at making progress at any rate!

But, oh, how sweet is God's gracious help here... to remind me of his faithfulness. Some of my desires and prayers may not be answered until I'm 50. Or 73. God will give patience. Some friends will find Jesus because of my witness. God will have been the Light shining from me. Families can be refortified in any season - it must not be right now, though I'd like to bypass the pain sometimes. In the midst of all this, I [read: we] can be assured that God hears our prayers and knows our hearts. He will answer, just maybe not tomorrow.

I'd still like to praise Him today.

What words are

I have not yet been able to articulate exactly what I’m thinking about this concept of “word.” I love words because meaning is conveyed and pictures are painted by the use of them. Proverbs is filled with dichotomies between the wise and foolish use of words. Words directly reveal what is in our hearts. The Earth was created with a word from God. Jesus is the Word, who created, saved, and will rule this universe.

And some of this power has been given to me – to us – to exercise. I use this power whenever I open my lips or pick up my pen [or computer, as it is]. Will I kill or give life? I guess that’s up to what’s inside my heart, the wellspring of my life. God’s Word always gives life because His heart can only be filled with Holy, life-giving things. Psalm 19 reveals how God’s Word/law revives, purifies, endures, gives joy and light to its hearers. My words? – Well, they need a lot of time on the stove of my mind so that the evil will prayerfully burn off.

I often pride myself in a beautifully turned sentence or even just a pair of words – ones that depict a vivid scene or evoke a powerful feeling. I spent much of my life rearranging the pieces of my word puzzles that eventually [or hopefully] become sentences. As I do this, I hope that undergirding Truth becomes evident because if it doesn’t, then they are just pretty nothings.

And what of when I do not have time to play with them, when I must simply speak my mind/heart on the spot? Even here, I must be vigilant, not letting that any murderous words come bubbling forth without restraint. But I also think that it would just be better if I sieved what went into my heart by God’s Word, kind of like Proverbs 4:20-28 suggests. Or like that kids’ song goes – Oh be careful little eyes, what you see…Oh be careful little ears, what you hear… [Why do I think that I grow out of the stage of preaching this to myself?] In this way, the probability of God’s life-giving Words coming out of my mouth increases.

Oh words, they are scarily delightful… like little flames!

perspective.

I've been noticing something these last several commutes to and from work. As I drive in, the sun is fresh & the light is new. It is at my back. The colors seem muted & almost groggy as the sun climbs. The fields are quiet... somehow. And, well, when I'm coming back, the sun is tired & wasted. It is at my back. It's as if it has worked all day making things beautiful & full of life. The trees lining the Custer fields are worn and drooping, but in the most elegant way, as if calling young dreamers to come and sit.

And then, I think: how much of this interpretation of the day & sun is clouded - nay, affected by my own perspective and feeling of groggy-worn-out-ness? It is so "in the moment." The truth is that the sun is always beaming brightly somewhere... & the trees and fields, well, the could be somewhat tired because of the sun, but couldn't it also be me projecting my own weariness? At best, it is my interpretation from inside of the timezones instead of on the sun's surface. And how often do I tell God which shot to make when I'm stuck near the side behind the 2-ball, projecting my own predicament onto the rest of the table?

Yes, these thoughts come to me as I drive. Mostly though, I am floored at the beauty & color of God's creation... the yellowing fields, reddening trees & bizarrely this year, greening grass! I saw Custer-hill alive with color against the soft blue sky and purpling clouds & my word, I must sing at this!!! & not some sappy hip-gyrating love song, but something bigger and just as alive, with feeling & praise to the One who did it all.

Recent Reading

When it gets cold and rainy outside in the fall, I'm definitely saddened, but the best comfort has been curling up under a blanket with some new book! I make my list of Dewey numbers and trek to the library. Actually, these ones came to me in different ways.

For me, The Kite Runner began as my EmyJs book. I read it as I was in the coffee shop, but... well, it just got too good and I had to own it, so... I bought it! Hosseini tells an exquisite story. He paints a picture of Kabul, Afghanistan during the last 30 years of conflict. It covers friendship, loyalty and forgiveness as it follows the history of two boys growing up in Kabul. I'd recommend this book to anyone who can read [well, maybe not young readers!]. To be honest, I wept through it. And now, I am entranced with all things Afghanistan.

I also get hungry for some theology in the fall. Perhaps it's because every one is going back to school. Jack recommended [and gave] me a copy of A Reason for God. Timothy Keller addresses popular objections to believe in God in a really straight-forward and readable way. It's fun to come up with the logical fallacies along with him. It's been a good lunch-break book.

Of course, I've got to have a Piper in my pile so Stand came as a result of some clicks around Desiring God's website. I haven't really started in on the meat of it, but the idea is that we must persevere through life with faith in God instead of just giving up [which I'm prone to do] when the incline steepens on the trek. This book is actually a summarization of the 2007 National Conference, with chapters by the contributing speakers. It's a thin book, definitely a rapid read.

The last one that I've been investing in is another Jack recommendation [Jack, I really will read anything you recommend, even though I didn't read any of the books you required for class!] and it's about picking stocks. One Up on Wall Street has helped me understand the market and in light of recent days, made me more conversant in current events. Peter Lynch tells story upon story of his own successes [and failures] on using common knowledge to "out smart" the Wall Street experts. Unfortunately, you'll have to wait a few weeks if you want to check it out from the library in Stevens Point because I've got it checked out!

So, what's on your fall reading list?

Stopping to smell the memories.

As summer starts to leave central Wisconsin, I am overloaded with memories of my first months in Austria. I wander through this field of wild flowers, stopping to smell these memories, trying to hold them awhile longer. I invite them into my cave of now.

I walked the streets of Innsbruck this week. In rain, snow and sun, I bopped in and out of shops in the Altstadt. I expertly wove my way through heaps of tourists from Japan, Europe and the States. I visited the familiar places: Tom's Gelateria, Tyrolia, Müller in the Rathhaus, and Katzung Café. I waited at bus stops, calculating stop times and planning routes between friends' flats and home. I felt every turn and bump on the J Line as it climbed toward Hungerburg. I listened to my Europe songs, in minor keys, as I bundled up once again to hike up the last 10 minutes to home: Rosnerweg 14. I sipped sour tea as I reached the Kaiser Saule, goal #2 on my first mountain trek. I overheard German, lots of it. I stumbled through some conversations myself. It was all so... so present, like I was experiencing it now again for the first time. This field of memories was sweet to meander through, to receive therapy in.

And then this morning, I woke up to rain on the roof. For a split second, I thought that I was in Innsbruck again, with the rain splattering up against my window on my basement apartment. I nestled further into my comforter and dreamt of slow mornings at the house, ironing, washing the dishes and cooking for 7 at lunch.

I finally pulled myself out of bed to make some hot chocolate [Austrian style] and then curled up with my journal and Bible. I sipped the Psalms in, settling in on chapter 10, 16-18. The LORD is king forever and ever; the nations perish from his land. [v.16] his land... All of the land I see is God's. I thought of this book I'm reading, The Kite Runner, and the oppression that Amir and his Baba faced, not to mention what Ali and Hassan met, during the Russian occupation of Afghanistan in the early 1980s. I could write for ages about how this ugliness makes me feel and think about my apathy [and the apathy of others], but the Psalms reassured me this morning that God hears the cry of the oppressed and he will defend the fatherless [10,17-18]. This earth belongs to Christ, the King, My King. I loved God then, I mean, even more [or more clearly], that He cares the most and in the best way. He cannot be apathetic.

It is these mornings, the slow lingering ones with God, that I miss most about my Austrian year. I grew so much in my dependence on Him and in realizing the humility it takes to learn life in a foreign land. God enabled each move and memory.

Thank you, LORD, for each flower in this field that I've been exploring lately!! You are so good

Haziness

I have spent the last several days at work reading binders, textbooks and websites. I'm trying to get my mind around this big thing called, "my job duties," in this new position. I feel like a blind monk trying to figure out that an elephant is standing next to him by only feeling around its feet and legs. It is a hazy cloud that will not seem to lift. I used to like this learning process, but I believe that I'm growing impatient with myself.

Each night, I come home exhausted and can't muster much beyond sitting on my couch, though tonight I managed to get the cheapest gas at the co-op and make Cody bark like a dog all the way there! That was a riot!

And well, tomorrow, it's back to discerning more of this elephant - or whatever decides to emerge.

Ciao.

Last Night

I spent a good part of last evening reading about how to
blog better. I followed tons of links and became more discouraged with every click. Compared to other “professional bloggers,” I blog horribly, breaking nearly every rule… especially the “write shorter blogs” rule.

In the midst of my self-loathing, I stumbled across Dave’s Thoughts on progress. Perhaps it’s not so much about numbers and instant effectivness, but lasting impact that comes from God’s Spirit working through my faithful and thoughtful writing. It made me think also about my goal in blogging… it’s to become a better writer and inform people about my life, this cave of now that I find myself in. I don’t need bullet points and tons of pictures. The one thing I was happy about is learning the html code for linking!!!

Love the sinner, or the sin?

In the midst news coverage exposing Bristol Palin’s teen pregnancy, I am stand at a fork in the road, asking this question: How do I continue to despise sin while accepting and reaching out to the one who sins? One the one hand, I readily desire to embrace sinful people [and myself] in love and forgiveness. On the other, I find myself becoming more and more comfortable and desensitized to sin… I become okay with it. Divorce, teen pregnancy, and lying – God hates them all – and yet, I so easily dismiss them. Vice Presidential candidate, Sarah Palin’s daughter, Bristol, made a mistake, like we all do… so I can understand that. I can sympathize with small amounts of willpower, self-control and making poor decisions. I can especially identify with being painfully exposed in my sin by the pure, gracious Light of God. But all too often, I find myself inviting sin in for an afternoon tea. I am numb to the wrongness and ugliness of disobeying God. What to do?

My only conclusion is that God has the equilibrium in this dangerous tightrope walk. Jesus does not throw stones at the sinful woman, yet he overturns the tables of the money-changers. He cares for the Samaritan woman, though she’s had five “husbands.” And if God has this ability, then doesn’t He also want me to have it and also have the ability to give it to me?

Pray that I would be able to love people toward holiness. Pray also that others would love me toward that too.

Concerts, Opening Ceremonies and Cribbage

This 3-day weekend has begun with a bang!! And there are still two days left of it! Rock on!

Last night, Ann and I took a little road trip up to Merrill, WI for a concert at OTTS Garage. This place is just plain cool... cool look, cool people, even cooler God, just cool! It was definitely the place to be on a Friday night in Merrill too! We saw Survive the Drive and Hyland perform. Good shows, for sure! And we decided that we'd hang out in Merrill again :o)

And then today... it started as a lazy day, in my PJs for lunch. After losing like 8 straight games of pool, I knew that I needed to spice up the day. So, I threw together SFOOG: Sherf Family Outdoor Olympic Games for the afternoon entertainment. We had team events as well as individual competitions in some lesser known, but professionally played sports. Bo-golf [a combo of Boccie and golf], Biki-ana [Biking + Banana eating], Roof-ball [of course!], breath-holding and cribbage were on the list of events. We took pictures, video and just had a blast together, enjoying the nice weather and each other!

The Roof-ball team competition was especially fierce, but mom and I came out on top!!!

The winners of the Biki-Ana Event - Cody & Dad.

And here's the highlight reel...

And today I realized that I must find a more productive use for my mind and time...

I saw four letters today that bring me one step closer finally to solving this four-month long case. Four letters. There is a gentleman - I cannot describe him in detail here since he may, in some bizarre way, realize who he is. We'll call him, the reader, for he enters the cafeteria each day with his tray full of today's menu and a book tucked under his arm. He is olderish and he sits alone and we, my mom and I, just wonder where he might come from... We [or rather I] have given ourselves to finding out more about him. Perhaps it's the small bet we have going related to the nature of his work. Mom is convinced he works in IT, but I am not convinced. Whatever it is that intrigues us about the reader, we are intrigued.

Because I have LOTS of extra time around the day, I've been conducting an investigation for the past several months. I've scoured the internet and library resources about our employees, including old and new yearbooks and the employee web directory. I've staked out his table, hoping to catch a glimpse of his security badge. And today, when I least expected it, I saw them... four letters, as I left my table at work. I didn't realize what I was even seeing until I was halfway across the cafeteria. And then I wished beyond anything that I would have seen the smaller letters underneath the four that make up his first name. A first name is something, but a last name... that's identifying! My taskless afternoon filled up quickly for I had a lead to follow. I began making lists of employees with this name - referencing their desk location and position title. I googled, to find ages and possible photos [be aware that if I do this to strangers, I most certainly do it to friends!]. Then, I grabbed my water and a notepad [I've gotta have a good cover!] and began ticking them off as I found them and realized that these men were not the reader. I returned dejected and discouraged to my desk because each of the names on my list had been crossed out in red. It's back to the drawing board. I returned to the employee directory [which you cannot search by first name - dumb!] and began again, determined to find the ones I had missed.

Yes, I have a few more names and locations for tomorrow. And I will find him. I have four letters... it's a start.

Maybe someday I'll tell you about... the old woman.

Summer nights, do not leave!

In these last two mornings, there has been a chill in the air as my alarm went off. It is likely that the mountains above Innsbruck would be snow-capped after a night like last night. I have not gotten to wear shorts as much as I would have liked to this year. As summer leaves again, I get a little down. There was so much hope of delightful summer days, and it is not that these days did not occur. It is that they did occur and now, they cannot anymore. Or they will not anymore. I believe that is what saddens me -- the farewell to summer days and nights.

Today was an incredibly boring day at work! I spent 6 of the 8 hours trying to look busy. I did learn that to gawk means to stare at something stupidly. I gawked at the amount of time I wasted today at Sentry.

My evening has been spent shopping with Ann and then hanging out at EmyJs with Stephanie and Ann. I'm discovering what it is like to have friends who are my age and live in my town. It is a blessing for sure.

Look forward to pictures of my newest purchases... maybe later tonight.

Chaim says...

Fatigue is a wall to climb, not an emptiness to wallow in.

I climbed the wall today, but too often lately, I've been wallowing. What about you? Is Chaim right?

Enough Already! [#5]

This week, I’ve published reasons why I should not write a blog series. They included not having a regular audience, not having anything worthwhile to write a series about, the necessity to commit to writing about a certain topic for a certain period of time, and the potential that it has to get insanely boring. The final reason is that I can’t deal with the pressure to review and tie it together at the end. It’s been building all week to, what’s the last reason?!!, and then… it might end something like this…

Note to self: Don’t write a blog series. It just won’t work.

Fourth Installment

Probably my favorite reason I choose not to engage in writing extended series on this blog is that it just gets plain boring. I mean, I’ve read certain blogs for a while, but then, when a series comes that I have absolutely no interest in, I get out of the practice of reading them. Can you imagine reading about potty training your child or tips on keeping fruit fresh for a whole week?? Rest assured that I would probably think of publishing a series on proper pedicure procedure or techniques for watching paint dry if given the chance.

Nothing leaves my daily reading selection faster than a series that does not interest me.

Let’s hope that hasn’t happened here!

Reason #3

I know that you all have been losing sleep as you wonder what my final 3 reasons could be [probably just as much as I have lost trying to compile them]!! Reason number 3 is as follows: I must commit to writing about the same topic until the series is finished and God inspires on His own schedule. Committing to a series means not committing to other things. I like to write when and where the spirit moves me, not on a schedule. This is part of the reason that I never want to write for a living. Instead, I write to live.

Meanwhile…

My Beach Settlement

I used to live on a rock. It stood fast and unmoved. The fortress that I had there was strong so that no enemy could come against it successfully. Its foundation went deep into the Earth so that nothing could shake it. It took many years to build, but I did not do it. I inherited it before the world began.

This rock that I lived on was near a beautiful beach. It had palm trees and views of the ocean that would make any vacation-dreamer salivate. The ocean was bluer than the brightest blue and the sounds of the waves were soothing and calming, almost too calming. For the beach called to me. It said, come and enjoy me. I will give you lush life on my soft sand near the palms. Nothing grows on that rock of yours. I have the ocean at my fingers and the sun is brighter here than in the shadow of your walls.

And so, I determinedly left the rock – its strength and safety – and moved out of my citadel to the beach. It was so beautiful there. I had so much more freedom than the “prison of rock” that I had dwelled in previously. I could walk endlessly on the beaches, feeling the sand between my toes. The shade of the palms was a cool and refreshing break from the sun that shone on the ocean and reflected brightly onto my baked skin. Why didn’t I settle hear first, I thought. Its pleasures far outweigh that grimy old rock!

But then, the storm came. I found that the foundation I had built for myself on the sand was shaky… in fact, it was less than shaky – it was non-existent! The beauty of the beach ran toward ruin. The fierce waters swept away the life that I had built there on the soft sand. I was taken out to sea. In all of my time living on the beach, I had never learned to swim. I clutched a piece of palm that had surfaced from the wreckage in the waves. I spluttered for breath. In the distance, I saw my rock fortress, standing firm through the storm.

Its foundation was deep into the Earth so that nothing could shake it. When the storm quieted, the sun came out again, shining down on that fortress. I wanted so desperately to be back in my old home, thinking of the beautiful gardens within the walls of the stronghold that I had forsaken to the lure of the beach. On my rock, there also lived an old man. He was not much to look at, but he was wise. He had advised me to stay on the rock, but I had the beach on my mind. Its pleasures had outweighed the enduring word of that old man.

My life now hung on a small scrap of wood, waiting for the sun to dehydrate or the sea to swallow. I was full of self-loathing and without hope. Why did I think the beach was better just because of its fading façade? The tide continued to take me further and further from my home. And now, I was losing my hold. The end was near.

The old man from my citadel came to my rescue just then, in a rickety little boat that we kept in the guards’ quarters. He pulled me into the boat and as I collapsed on the floor, I honestly said, “Thank you.” This was, perhaps, the first truthful thank you I had spoken to this dear friend. His smile gave me life and hope, but he said, “Maybe next time, you’ll listen… but probably not. In any event, I’m patient.”

Part 2 of 5: Why I Shouldn't Series Blog

Somehow, series blogging means that I would have to have something profound to say, at least 3 days in a row and about the same topic! This seems highly unlikely. Therefore, I should refrain from writing in series form.

Here’s what I propose [and Blogger is ahead of me here]: Simply use “topics” on the sidebar!

Because things normally stew on the back burner of my mind, to be revisited at my convenience, or when necessary, I’ll just put a tag on it as I write about it. Then, when you want to read about “culture” or see pictures, you can simply click there and Blogger will let you know what I think. This seems a whole lot easier than me racking my brain, probably unsuccessfully, to package these thoughts all at once.

Good work, Blogger!

Reason #1 in My Series

Today is the kickoff of my new blog series, entitled: Reasons why I should not write a blog series. I thought that I would try it because I’ve discovered that I either need to have kids to write about or publish a blog series in order to get people coming back. Since I don’t have kids [and wasn’t allowed to borrow any!], I thought I’d give series writing a try.

So, the FIRST reason that I should not publish blog series is that I’m not sure I even have an audience, let alone one that would come back from day to day to get the next installment. I know that commenting doesn’t correlate directly to readership as I read several blogs that I never comment on. But that said, an occasional shout out couldn’t hurt my ego and writing confidence! I suppose that you could give criticism if absolutely necessary as well. Just let me know that you are there and breathing.

Keep coming back for the remaining 4 reasons this week… ;o)

Things I've thought of today

Sleeping in tomorrow will be absolutely grand... first time in over a month!

I get to spend 24 hours with my bosom college buddy this weekend in Chippewa Falls. And I'm juiced. BIKING!

God is strengthening me inside somehow, to fight against apathy, idleness and complacency. I feel as though I could take on the world. I just may.

I have another job now! My cubicle [read: grave or tomb] is just moving several rows down. New boss, new co-workers, but a lot of the same work... and the same paycheck ;o)

I really enjoy the smell of pregnant women!

I'm discovering the art of looking like I'm doing something important while I slack off. Today, I overheard a good conversation in the hall. I wanted to hear the end, so I followed them for awhile, inconspicuously of course! Just look like you have a destination, even if it is only to check off a new bathroom from the list.

Next week in the cave: A 5-part blog series on reasons why I should not author a blog series.

Penelope, a whimsical delight

Penelope is born under a curse that gives her a pig snout for a nose. She spends her childhood in hiding until, at age 25, she runs away from home and sees the world [that she's only heard about until then] for the very first time. The most enchanting scene in the whole movie is when she opens her eyes wide and finally walks through the street fair, with the bright lights and street vendors. The cinematography in this scene is perfect, dizzily spinning around her as she drinks in this world that she's only seen in pictures. It is sensory overload, flooding her with new smells, sensations and sights. She cannot get enough as she goes to the zoo, the park and all of the things that we all take for granted.

Sometimes I wonder what holds me back from truly seeing what's real around me, to open my eyes wide and see what God is doing and giving me. What keeps me inside my little tower, unable to experience all that I could? I hide within the barriers of sin, doubt, and guilt... probably all three and a few more. I want to live with open eyes - not able to get enough of what God is doing - sucking up every drop that I can. Oh, let's pray for those kind of eyes, and the courage to open them!

Ok, so I live at home...

Sometimes I think that's pretty pathetic, but tonight was a sweet treat in my cave of now. Cody and I have invented a game called "Roof-ball." There is a complete set of rules for scoring, faults, fouls and proper etiquette for play. We play to 21 by ones and you have to serve to win. I have yet to win, though I served for the win just tonight. Cody has incredibly long strides so I have to rely on the quick little spin shot in order to make a point. His height also gives him an advantage so I'm literally left with lucky shots and annoying him by talking incessantly. That's hard to do when I am constantly out of breath!

Being able to spend time with Cody is one of the highlights of living at home. He's going to be a freshman next month and he's just growing up too fast for me! I'm not sure how much longer I will be living in the States, but one thing is sure: I desire to invest every second of it that I can in people and things eternal. Putting my head in the sand is just not an option!

Getting ready for our first hiking adventure on Saturday
We're just hanging out before dinner... Jeremy's a little upset that there isn't any Barq's in the pop machine. My pocket-book is too. I should never bet money.
Lou and I on a Boccie ball break.
Shadow ninjas at sunset
We loved our secludedish campsite!

Short Weekend Escape

Heaven will indeed be grand... almost exclusively because God will be there, worshiped as He should be, but it will also be splendid to spend eternity with these hearts that are so dear to my soul!

Camping

So, I just got back from camp long enough to keep my feet clean for 24 hours or so and I'm headed back to the great outdoors to get them dirty again. The events coming up this weekend have kept a permanent smile on my face all week! I get to enjoy life with my three closest friends... and also welcome a 4th to the group [Kelsey, you're great!]. We'll hike, swim, laugh, play boccie ball and live life together for a couple of days. Oh, these sweet hearts that I'm so thankful to have as family! I am grateful to every moment we have together... I know that time together doesn't come often [especially with all of the traveling I've done and continue to do!] so ..... oh yum... i can't wait to see you and find that willow again. How I've dreamt of it while we've been apart! Let's climb...

Next update: Pictures from camping!

Only so many plates...

There has been a lot of shattering plates crashing down around me lately. I acquire these new plates with every new friend, ministry or adventure I take up. They are friends, people to pray for, encourage, keep up with, tell stories to, etc... I have plates living on 4 different continents, speaking at least 5 different languages. And well, I try to spin them all and keep them going.

But a girl can only spin so many plates at a time before they begin to slip out of control. It's amazing how many "back burners" I can put some of these plates on... Each one is meaningful to me. I don't want to drop any of them, but the shear number of incoming plates simply means that I must put others down. How do I gain the wisdom to know which ones to invest in? and which ones are best spun by someone else? And well, today, I'm incredibly indecisive, so I've picked up and put down nearly every single one! I am not good at spinning!

so hallelujah! God is able to spin each one of us, forever and very well! whew.

A Hard Now

The “now” of my life overwhelms me most days. It overwhelms me with confusion and questions, feelings of depression and inadequacy. Where am I going in this life? Why can’t I make solid decisions? Why is my faith so small? How can the Devil so easily win? And most of all, why do I still at like a child at age 24? The regression from independent and intentional living in Europe to being fed every meal by my mom in my childhood home is truly the most depressing of it all. This is exactly what I didn’t want to happen. Everything seems to be going wrong.

And for awhile, I tried to plow through this on my own, finding small upturns when the heartthrob of accounting walks by or when I have a day off to relax. Sometimes even, I find a good verse to assuage some of the worry and confusion. But every time, he walks away, I have to go back to work, and then I forget the verse. Where am I now? I am worse off and usually more down than before. Why isn’t this life working?

Last night, I began reading Amos. I think I was feeling guilty about never reading the prophets. While I didn’t come to it like a kid in a candy store, I was determined to read slowly and understand as much as I could. Most of it was judgment on the people of God because of their disobedience… losing land, families and ground against evil. The command goes out thrice in chapter 5, seek God and live [v5,6,14]. It pierces me, I have not sought, therefore I do not live. I have kept part or most of my life in my own control. And it’s not working for me. I contemplate a life spent seeking God and I focus first, and almost solely, on the difficult parts – the fighting for my heart, the sacrifice of comfortable things at times, the struggle to be holy. And then the end of Amos comes… and there is hope. Hope in Messiah, hope in Christ. I let Jesus take these fears and confusion. I commit my heart to fighting for truth. I am not wishy-washy anymore.

Keep praying for me. Danke.

Sun, Please Stand Still...

There are many moments like these ones in life, where I wish the sun would just stand still like it did for Joshua, letting me savor the moments I have in my cave of now.

It was the perfect summer night… friends gathering for food, fun and a love for Peru… I looked around and saw a table full of women, sharing kid stories. The men were out front trying to rip-stick. I caught a glimpse of Derek and Matt S talking shop, Terry and Matt K fighting about baseball. A missions team in the states is hosting a missionary family who live in Lima, Peru. This family is amazingly integrated into Peruvian society and yet, remaining strong and a fire for God. They see with their eyes open – the deep needs that the people of Lima have – far beyond the economic or physical need that an everyday person might notice. The weather cooled as the sun left for the night. Andria was a wonderful host, with a beautiful back yard with lots of seating. Derek is never without joke or wisecrack. Josh & I lose to the impressive skills [and luck!] of Matt and Austin. The kids play so well together, as if tomorrow’s church is meeting early. We have a common love – that is, for Peru and its people. And for us, when we stop twirling around our own tiny worlds and grab hands with one another, beginning to spin around each other, with our eyes toward God, it is a beautiful picture. It’s like time has slowed and the lights around is glow brighter. Our smiles and laughter electrify the night, causing artificial light to be unnecessary. There is True Joy here… people truly living, perhaps now for the first time in a very long while. Our now tanned faces are vibrantly happy. We are in good health, clean and together again, six months following our time in the dusty streets of Lima.

The Panaggios intensify the sultry evening’s excitement. These missionaries have raised well-rounded, missions-minded servants – five of them – while simultaneously doing ministry in the sprawling metro of Lima. These kids amaze me: Their easy-going & ready for anything nature, willingness to serve, and love for one another. Stephen announced that he flew Dr. Galuk’s plane here from Michigan – first time in the pilot’s seat! Jim remembered my name and their interest in our lives is truly admirable. I received hugs from each one of them after doing ministry with them for only one week.

We look back at last year’s clinic and anticipate this year’s … the dates falling in the end of February this time. A flower-shaped discussion of facebook arises as the young ones win over the old for the sake of long-distance friendships. The Brewers, Heath Ledger’s death, American Idol, The Dark Knight and HP 7 wander through our words. Church health in Condevilla and the challenges there also visit our conversations.

Twilight knocks and people begin to fidget with their watches. Our other worlds are calling us back, to make the “efficient and responsible” decision to end this reverie and return to race. I hit the snooze button, but others heed them, collecting their children, food and bags. The rounds of goodbyes begin once, twice and a third time before I make my exit.