Resolution vs. Goal

I've determined that it is much more benefitial to think in terms of goal instead of resolution. With a resolution, such as not eating chips in 2010, it ends with the first chip. It's not a progressive work, it's a sudden "new you." Instead of thinking about how you want to be different in 2010, I challenge you to think about how you want to be different by 2011! That's a goal. I want to be the best... husband/employee/basketball player that I can be. I want to read this book. I want to work on this friendship. You get the idea... Don't resolve to be better, because you might just fail and give up on January 11.

Make it a goal and work towards it. And honestly, even if you don't make it by the end of 2010, at least you'll be closer to it! Setting goals lets you start where you are, instead of hoping to be where you are not!

What are your goals for 2010?

The Decade Wanes

2000 to 2009. A Decade.

It's fun to reflect back on these years.

I've traveled to 4 continents in 10 years. I've lived in a foreign country for one of them. I've learned 2 1/2 languages since 2000. I graduated from high school and college. I've lost two grandparents. I've gained sister-in-laws. I have grown in my relationship with Christ. I have learned countless things about myself. I have made life-long friends. God has given me and my family health. He has provided jobs and given innumerable other blessings. He has sustained me, through Christ.

What has been your biggest accomplishment/proudest moment?

What do you hope to do better in the next ten years?

How has your life impacted others? and been impacted by them?

What are a few of the happiest moments of this past decade?

What have you learned?

Those days... [Irrational Fears]

I remember when I was young and every time I got a really bad sore throat, I thought that it was going to close up just like it did for George Washington when he died.

What fears did you have as a child that you've since deemed irrational?

Family Times

We spent last night trekking back in time… to when we set out on an adventure together – to new places and seemingly “more refined” tastes. We started out the day in snow-dusted Solway, saying good-bye to the curved driveway and bare trees. We had packed up our lives into boxes. Each of us had taken a stroll through the house with the video camera, reliving old memories and trying not to forget. For me, it was my first noteworthy venture into complete unknown. I was thankful that I had my family to go through it with the first time. Our dogs, Ginger and Blackie, are quiet and contemplative, as if they feel that was are leaving. Dad shows us the garage… the place where he created, now his vacant workbench and custom shelving. The tractor that carried our wood so many faithful years sits in the corner, to be picked up by a new owner. The yard is a dismal brown, looking so forlorn, even after the winter’s cleansing. The swing set where I first learned to pump my knees. The basketball hoop where I first went Around the World. The memories come rushing back as we view this piece of our lives.

In seconds, we find ourselves saying hello to a new house, even to a new life. First, we are introduced to the office that seemed to set this whole chaos into motion. It was a brown building with several different office spaces inside. Worldbook had the sliver office at the end. My dad was moving up in his company. I am awed by a town that was twice the size of Bemidji, MN. We caught our first views of our street, our drive home. This place would be where we opened our lives, the new chapter. The grass is green in our new manicured lawn. Here, the trees are intentionally placed and not left to come up where the wind blows the seed. As we watch, we are reminiscent of shorter trees, basketball hoop-less driveways, and old wall paper. I remember the new excitement that accompanied this house that has become so acquainted and comfortable. My room has dry-wall on all four sides!

The screen goes blue. I am torn from my reverie, being met again with the reality that it is 14 years later. It is late in the night. There is church tomorrow. All that I want to do is put in the next tape and continue to cuddle with my daddy. Times like these are precious, becoming scarcer with each passing day. I live in the same room that I did while in high school, but so much time has gone by. I can see it in the shooting height of the trees and Cody, in the extra gray hairs around dad’s ears, in my own body’s commencing physical decline. Life continues to go on, picking up speed by the minute. Most days, I long for a cave filled with now…

We hear a song or read a story, & the good feelings get don’t remain inside of us. We are either anticipating them, or we’ve had them and they are gone. We never experience them as now… I’m writing a story about a little girl who discovers a cave where there is a lasting now. – Chaim Potok [The Gift of Asher Lev, p.99]

May you enjoy your Thanksgiving with friends and family, in the now...

Best Christmas CD EVER!

If you are looking for a great Christmas album for this year's season, I highly recommend Andrew Peterson's Behold the Lamb of God. It tells, not only the story of Jesus' birth, but begins at the beginning... of the universe, of time. It tells the whole story of Jesus. It is amazing. This album brought me triumphantly through my first Christmas without family, in a strange new land. Now, I listen to it remember it while I praise God's amazing plans! Buy it and love it!

Also, a small book-keeping note, I've updated blog tags so that you can search by topic. I encourage you to take a moment and enjoy some of my favorites.

No Voice

I woke up on Sunday with a whisper of a voice. While my parents sometimes rejoice on those days of quiet, it's always sooooo hard for me to stay quiet and I end up pushing my voice too far only to make it worse. For someone so used to talking, it is difficult to be without it for a day, or even an hour!

However, church was a beautiful hour to be silent. Not being able to sing or even talk really made me think about the lyrics of the songs I know so well. These words had new meaning as I could not sing them, only think them, pray them, and be silent.

Be Thou my vision, O Lord of my heart;
Naught be all else to me, save that Thou art.
Thou my best thought, by day or by night,
Waking or sleeping, Thy presence my light.
...
High King of heaven, my victory won,
May I reach heaven's joys, O bright heav'ns Son!
Heart of my own heart, whatever befall,
Still be my vision, O ruler of all.

We "sang" this one yesterday. It was a good time of silent praise and listening!!

What's your favorite hymn/worship song?

Welcome to the Christkindlmarkt!

My new header picture was taken in the Old City section of Innsbruck during the annual Christmas Market festival. There is nothing like it in all of the world. I urge you all to get to a German-style market at Christmas someday. The lights invite and the community connects. Make sure you try the Glühwein!

This time of year always makes me yearn for Tirol. Two years ago today, I first set foot in the States after my au-pair year. What a difficult homecoming it was... and still seems to be. I am a zwischenmensch... a "between person." I still feel between to worlds - both I love so much. I don't know how to come "home," or if I want to.

The lights. They're just magical.

Birthday Week

Monday: Receive 50+ birthday greetings on a day that is not my birthday. I also threw some ice off my roof in a garbage dumpster, like Tom Cavanagh (who was actually born on Monday) did in the hit TV series, Ed (NBC).

Tuesday: Nurse my hurting arm from throwing ice into a garbage dumpster. I felt the sun for the first time in days. Summary of the rest of my day in 11 words: Johnny Depp Chai Good Convos A Long Walk Flashbacks of Austria.

Wednesday: Hasn't happened yet, but anticipated highlights include: Tea with Anna, some solid Greek reading and Hebrew grammar, and a game of Boggle.

Thursday - Tuesday (the actual birthday!): Undecided but anticipated. Ideas welcome.

A New Experience

Do you remember what it was like the first time you saw Brett Favre in purple instead of green? For me, it kinda felt like the Twilight Zone (or an SNL spoof)... like he was going to rip off that Vikings uniform mid-play and become a packer again. Well, I met with a similar experience last night as I entered the *Johnson's house. The fixed structures looked the same. Counters, stairs, the table, but oh... there was a dog and cluttered counters. I have been to the Johnson's many times before and have always enjoyed being able to let myself in and grab something to drink. An unfamiliar small child (a not wholly uncommon sight) poked his head around the corner and then yelled up the stairs that someone was here. The woman that came down was not Mrs. Johnson. Indeed, she was a complete stranger. I had left myself in, unannounced and uninvited, to a total stranger's home. She politely informed me that the Johnson's had moved and gave me their new location. AWKWARD.

This whole experience was so ridiculous that I thought perhaps it was all some sort of joke - that my friends would jump out from somewhere and laugh at my guilibility. They laughed alright - and loudly - but that was in their new home several blocks away. I am glad to be able to provide some much entertainment. On the other front, I have no idea who to cheer for this fall. I was a loyal Viking fan, but cannot cheer for such a willy-nilly "gotta be in the sports news" guy. So, Packers? That seems wrong too. I might wander aimlessly into other teams' cheering sections, as I do homes.

* I changed the name to add an element of mystery :o)

God's Unique Working

I had the opportunity to attend a baptism service yesterday. One of the most endearing parts of the service for me is the testimony time. It reminds me just how personal God is. Each of our God-Stories is so unique and personal. Some are awakened early in life, some don't know until near the end and still others will come early only to wander away before coming finally back to Him. God uses unimaginable circumstances to call each one of us to Him.

In the midst of this unique and personal work of God, there is much hope and purpose in me. I have hope for my unbelieving friends and relatives - that they might be awakened - and also hope for myself - that God is shaping me in a very intimate and personal way. He works in me like he works in no other. And there is purpose because I know that often times, God uses his servants to call others. Many of the testimonies from yesterday's service highlighted a person or two who was/were bold enough to share Christ with them. It takes all of the pressure off to realize that it's not ultimately up to me. It's up to God.

Really, this hope and purpose brought peace.

Riverside Review

I've been reflecting a lot on my experience at Riverside this summer and I am not able to put it into words. It was more than just another summer at camp, but in a lot of ways, it was old hat. I thought I'd share some of the highlights for me, in no particular order:

1. Mischievous campers... this kid sat on the Rock of Ages and used his swimming goggles to reflect the sun into my eyes as I was talking to another staff member. And he did it for like 5 minutes before I realized it was him. His grin just melted my heart.
2. Energetic staff... I was amazed that after a full week of campers, my staff would keep going on the weekends! Out to the fair, a Timber Rattlers game, trips to town, and bowling... not to mention the movie nights and "shaloming!" I really was thankful for their dedication and energy. I definitely did NOT have that all of the time.
3. Fun activities... OK, this might be too much patting myself on the back, but I think the program was a lot of fun for campers! I enjoyed being ridiculous and crazy for three weeks and having people listen to me! When I had on my princess crown, I commanded attention. We played in the mud, did game shows and Bible trivia, ran around with ice, played ultimate frisbee and of course, played Womp 'Em.

4. Good God... man, I was, by some estimation, thrown into this programming gig at the last second, but God was not surprised by it. I was taught a lot in this month about the Lord's care and provision for each of us. There were hard moments, moments that I felt completely alone although I never was. Other times, it was just sweet. I remember the night that some staff throw me an "unbirthday party" (it's a long story, really) and I got to sit in the midst of these dear ones, eating homemade turtle cheesecake and worshiping the Lord. You can't buy these times! The Lord is good.

Thanks for reading and praying for me (us). I hope to be more thoughtful/profound later.

Liking the Now

Sometimes swallowing what God has for me is difficult, I'll admit it. I've been attempting to find the path for the past few years and making decisions at a series of doors. Each door points me in a different direction, with a new set of challenges and opportunities. I've applied to programs and been denied. I've accepted job offers and now, quit those jobs. I've taken the Graduate Record Exam and applied to school in Scotland. I've said "yes" to programming at Riverside. Doors open and close.

Scotland liked me, offered me an unconditional spot this fall and now, another detour hits. I couldn't keep enough balls in the air to get the visa and funding I needed in time so I've deferred my entry for one year. I am trying to swallow this new challenge and look at it as a blessing, or at least a learning experience. I am attempting to "like the now" I find myself in. And I must admit, it's getting easier as I look at the friends and family whose lives I get to be a part of in this coming year. I know that I will not always be around. I'm enjoying the new friendships that have come from camp and also the ability I'll have to maintain older ones from college and even high school. I miss Austria more than ever. I miss hearing German on every corner. I'm trying to give everything over to the Lord. It's a hard, yet wonderful now.

Yes, I'm liking the now...

Last Days

The hard thing about being adventurous is that you have to leave a lot and say goodbye. I do not "do goodbyes" well. Today was my last day of work before camp happens and graduate school starts. Yes, I was accepted to the University of Edinburgh for the fall. I'm excited to get back to school... and to explore Scotland!

With all this new adventure, it means saying goodbye to friends, co-workers, and family. And evidently, I'm rather nostalgic. I like to remember all of the experiences I have in a place... to walk the halls one last time... to drink one last cup of good tea... to remember each picture up at my desk... heck, I brought home 10,000 used staples from me desk because I could not say goodbye to them all in one day.

Leaving is such a surreal experience. Sometimes I think it is easier to stay. The same routine. That's nice. But staying means saying no to an incredible adventure!!! I can't believe that God would send me on yet another overseas journey. I am so thankful for His provision. It will build such faith to step out like this again. I guess that's the whole reason I do it.

But first, camp!

Awhile.

It seems like the best thing to do to get blogging again is just write... something or anything.

I was in Florida last week. It was wonderfully warm and sunny. My mom, Codster and I drove down to visit my grandma who is in a nursing home down there. She and my grandpa retired down there at the retirement village for the Mission that they were with in Africa. Anyway, we stayed and the village while we visited grandma. I loved talking with all of the retirees because most of them knew of me through my grandparents and mother. Many of them had taught or lived in Jos with them. It's always so cool to hear the stories and I'm just blown away by their dedication to the Lord.

I have a new project at work. It involves taking the staples out of about 2,500 documents - each averaging 2 staples. It's in an effort to get the documents scanned so that if we lost the paper copy due to flood, fire or terrorism, we'd still be okay. I have cut the time in takes me to do 150 from 2 hours to 1 hour. It's just as boring though. I like to be efficient.

There. I'm fairly certain that more thoughtful thoughts will come soon. I have been writing, just not near my blog. So, tell me how you all have been doing!

mission.

I created a "wordle" to display my personal mission statement that encompasses things that are most important to me.
What do you think?

Hands Full.

Last night, I came into the darkened garage to find mom's van gone and a mine-field before me. It smelled of dog poo, but I could not see a thing. I shuffled in along the wall and tried to make an educated guess as to where Tasha had NOT been. Step. Whew. The motion-sensor light, however, remained off. My hands were full of my day and I needed to make another step. My eyes began to adjust to the lack of light and I could see shades of dark and light on the floor. I avoided the dark places and made another step of faith. Whew. The light blinked on, illuminating the rest of my trip to the door into the house.

In my mind, something else was happening. I was thinking about life and how I find myself in a darkened garage wondering which direction to move, really not wanting to step in #@%*. Scheiße. How do I make those decisions? How do you?

Snow-roof-ball.

Roof ball in the winter is a whole new ball game! I won't say that it's even more fun that the other variations because summer barefoot roof ball and rain roof ball is super fun, but winter definitely brings some new challenges. The snow on the roof for instance... it makes the ball resemble a Plink-o chip and sometimes it gets stuck. Cody had to boost me up on the roof to rearrange the snow and retrieve the ball several times. That was only after we threw our hands numb with snow balls trying to dislodge the ball from its hole. The snow on the ground also poses a problem... It's a foot deep in spots, but also packed into large piles in others. It made for jumping, climbing, and flying in pursuit of the next play. Let's just say that at the end of the game [i won!], we were soaked to the core, laughed-out and dog-tired.

It was a beautiful day. I also knocked myself out for about an hour in the snowbank today. That sun, it was just gorgeous and warm! I couldn't help but smile as I napped in its rays. The birds chatting, the ice melting, the icicles dropping off the roof and crashing me awake. There is hope of even more warmth out there... someday. It's been a good sabbath... and back to work tomorrow.

Perfect Couple.

What an utter joy it was to be at Luke and Kelsey's wedding this weekend! It was a perfect nearly spring day, with bright sunshine and warm temperatures. I got to wear a new, fun dress and $7.00 black heels, but enough about that.

Lukey and Kelsey pledged their love and commitment to one another on Saturday. It simply amazes me to see the power of love, to see them giving their lives for the other. This deep love and care breeds commitment, life-long. It reminds me how much I desire this love someday, but also about how much of a coward I am to enter into it, not to mention my unpreparedness! In any event, it is so wonderful to see... refreshing.

I've known Luke since the awkward "bowl-cut" days. He is one of my best friends. I've just met Kelsey this year, but it feels like she grew up with us too! She makes Luke so happy. It was delightful to see him beam as she came down the aisle. She was a beautiful bride.

A few of the highlights: Steve and Jeremy singing "I'm Yours" by Jason Mraz at the ceremony. Sitting with the Perris and Handlers for dinner. Dancing my legs off. Seeing the men of Woodlands following Jeremy's dance instructions. Hugging the newlyweds goodbye and wishing them FUN in Breckenridge. Transfering wedding gifts for the 2nd of us in the Quad to get married. Drifiting off to sleep with a little grin on my face for the perfect couple.

It was all just priceless.

Asher.

If you've talked to me in these last years about literature, you will have surely heard me tell you about Asher Lev, the inspiring creation of Chaim Potok. He is an observant Hasidic Jew who is also an artist. I am halfway through The Gift of Asher Lev for the 2nd time in 8 months. The idea for "The Cave of Now" comes from this book. This book is worth every second of your life that you put into it.

The section I am in now is when Asher is asked to address a yeshiva class about art. He starts with simple questions about why we draw, what we draw, etc... but eventually gets to the deeper events of art. He says, "Art happens when what is seen becomes mixed with the inside of a person who is seeing it." [p.135] It is interpretation of the world around us. He drew a picture of a ram in several different styles, emphasizing different parts of the ram that the artist might see and interpret. It is amazing to think that we each have this power to interpret. I may not be an artist who paints or sings, but I write. What I write is a reflection of how the world around me hits me.

A few pages later, Asher connects this to the idea of the cave of now. A drawing. A painting. Capture something forever. Can see it all at one time. No future, no past. Only a perpetual this-moment, only nowness. While a painting or a piece of music or a passage of writing is a rendering of the artist's "now," it can also be interpreted in the future. Those of us in present time can only attempt to know the intention of the author, singer or painter from 100 years ago, let alone 2,000! And yet, God gave me a Helper to enlighten my mind toward correct interpretation of His Word.

Oh, I am loving Asher for how he helps me think about life. Chaim does not give me all of the answers, but invites me to get dirt under my nails and I dig through it all. It's good.

His First Day in Heaven

The sky is so blue in this arctic freezer. My clothes make no effort to stop the frigidness from stabbing my body ruthlessly and forever. It makes me feel alive, though painfully. The heat in my car, though new, only makes it feel like a drafty hunting shack. Even the sun looks like it has a layer of ice surrounding it.

The first time I've ever read Jack refer to his father as "dad." Dad has moved on to a place where he can see Jesus face to face. My mind cannot fathom what it is like to lose your best friend of so many years. I did not get to meet Guil, although I feel like I know him - the parts of him that Jack has inherited and become.

There is sadness, knowing that you won't be able to talk about the latest race or revel in the newest soaring stock. He won't be participating in any more coffee clutches. There are so many memories to wade through. The small things, you'll miss. There is stress and exhaustion, thinking about all that must go into grieving and planning for life after dad. eventually. How will mother cope? How will you? But woven through each of these layers is vibrant joy, like sunshine -- Dad did not waste his life! He spent it on the One... And there is more joy, for he is with Him now! He can see Jesus face to face.

It is odd today. Odd for us, but even more odd for him... His first day in Heaven. ... I think I have the wrong size wings. ... When's lunch? ... Whoa, look at all those stars down there! He can see, think and move more clearly than he ever has before. He is not hindered by sin. What joy there is in this day!! He is fully alive, though for us, it is painful.

Infuse, the End of an Era

I stepped into the chapel after most had left and turned on all the lights. As I stood in the back, I recounted all that God had infused into me at this camp. I was trained in life and ministry here, more than in any classroom. It is so home to me.

[click] I turn one light out. I think about how terrified I was at the prospect of cabin-leadering as a junior in high school. What if my campers don't like me? or listen to me? What? - I have to plan a devotion? now, 6? God took over and I learned.

[click.] There was a strange feeling in me as I left my first week of being activities director. Could God have more for me here? Somehow, the answer came YES, but it was very subtle and quiet.

[click.] Two summers of programming taught me more about myself, about what my body can do and about what happens when my body shuts down from exhaustion. I learned even more as I gave up control to the Master of the Universe. I learned to nap on a musty chapel pew surrounded by rowdy campers, manage many staff members and lead large group games. As I play the snapshots in my mind, I see campers loving one another, meeting Christ, and struggling through life together. I see lots of smiles and laughs.

[click.] It is nearly dark now. I moved to Austria, left with a hole the size of Riverside in my heart. I ached for a place to use these gifts that I had developed and been so affirmed in. It's super hard to lead in a different language. :o) I wipe the tears from my face as I think about the hours I spent on the bridge over the river during my re-entry into the States. Those were sweet times in the arms of Jesus, weeping for the hole in my heart now shaped like Austria. I was soothed again by the gentle rushing water flowing between the large rocks.

[click.] One last programming gig before the full time program director takes her post. I have spent so much energy for this camp... wanting so much that Christ would be seen and magnified in it. I was infused with God's love and grace this weekend. My weakness only made His strength more evident.

I turn, back again and I wave sliding slowly backwards as the last click clicks off...

The end of an era, and it's so hard to say goodbye.